Move over Kim Kardashian - the wedding spotlight is well and truly on pop diva Lady Gaga. After scandalising lawmakers by declaring her intentions to “marry the night”, media outlets around the world were stunned to discover the wedding had already taken place in a private ceremony over the weekend.
This is the first marriage for both Gaga and the Night.
An extremely brief courtship
“I didn’t even know Gaga and the night were dating”, said Lady Gaga’s father, Sir Gaga. “Of course I was familiar with the whole idea of night-time, but then suddenly there it was on my doorstep, introducing itself to me and asking for my daughter’s hand at the same time.”
“Oh yes, it was terribly romantic,” said Lady Gaga’s mother, Dame Gaga.
“Romantic or not, I asked the night ‘what are your intentions with my daughter?’ And it told me: just to hang around her, make everything darker at a particular time, be generally mysterious.”
Gaga, seen here without her newly wed husband. Though he is believed to have helped with this particular outfit.
The wedding statement
The ceremony was confirmed in a statement to the press believed to have been written by Gaga herself:
I have married the night! The two of us couldn’t be happier. We are adjacent to integrity, staring down the barrel of eternity, to our left we have honour and on our right we have clarity. We are underneath flexibility, and both of us are standing firmly on top of intimacy, which is good. Or at least it would be, if “good” wasn’t directly behind us, in the general vicinity of majesty, which is vibrating in and out of celebration’s frequency.
The gay and lesbian community reacts
Despite Lady Gaga supporting same-sex marriage, many in the gay and lesbian community are outraged that a union between a woman and a period of time has been internationally recognised even as their own unions continue to go unsupported.
“It’s strange to me that I can’t marry the love of my life,” one gay individual was quoted as saying, “yet Kylie Minogue is free to marry Autumn.”
Party animals stay home for fear of home-wrecking
Now that night is off the market, citizens are refusing to engage in nightly activities for fear of what may be seen as an inappropriate relationship with Lady Gaga’s husband.
Gaga’s fans, a group the singer affectionately refers to as her “little monsters”, are particularly respectful of the union. “I never used to be a daylight person, so it’s hard,” said one little monster, David, 32. “I have to draw the curtains before night-time. God knows what Gaga is doing to the night out there, but they both deserve their privacy.”
Nightclubs and bars are in severe danger of going out of business, and as such, are lobbying for government subsidy. Sales of illicit party drugs have also plummeted, though there are no immediate plans for a government bailout of drug dealers at this time.
Finally, a word on wedding guests
Though Madonna was confirmed as having been invited to the ceremony, it is believed she was forced to decline due to a scheduling conflict.